Throughout my younger years, I questioned everything that went on around me. I struggled to fit in and make real friends. I hated who I was and blamed others for my problems. If I am going, to be honest, I blamed God.
I repeatedly heard of how loving God was while I attended church every week. “God loves you. He wants to give you good things”.
Really? Let me ask you this if God is such a loving God, why did he take my dad when I was so young? If God is so loving, why am I without a dad? Why does everyone make fun of me? Why did he allow me to get hurt by the guy my mom was dating? Why did he let my brother hit me? If this God is so loving, why did I have so much pain, why did people always cancel their plans with me? Why was my mom never there for me? Yep, that is one loving god!
I hated my life, yet no one knew just how much; I was an outstanding actress when faking how I felt. Show them what they want to see, don’t show them who you really are. Not only did I attend church on Sundays, but I also went to youth group every Wednesday night as well. Here I was surrounded by two types of teens those just like me who were fake and only went because that is what was expected of them or those who were there to actually learn and grow. Let’s say I had lots of company.
I wondered if God was such a loving God, then why did I feel so alone and unloved?
It would take many years, a self-destruction lifestyle, and looking for love in many different places before I realized something, God did and does love me. Not very happy with my actions or my attitude. But He does love me, and just because we don’t always understand why things happen doesn’t take away from the fact that I am His child, and he chose to love me.
John 3:16 says that God loved me so much that He chose to give His one and only son for me. No matter how bratty I was, and trust me, I could be very bratty. It didn’t matter how much I messed up; God still loved me and died on the cross for me. He chose to go through excruciating pain for me; he was tortured and humiliated for my salvation. All this so that I could be free from my wrongdoings.
He chose me even when I was mad at Him and being so disobedient to Him. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God…”. I don’t have to be perfect or do a bunch of good works. It’s free because of His love for me.
I believe that the whole point of my prayer when I was only two years old was God showing His grace to me. He began to open not only my eyes but also my heart to see Him as who He truly is—a loving, gracious God.
It is through grace that I have life.